John Howard - Australian Prime Minister 

Free Lawnmowers for Every Australian

I am pleased to announce that as part of my election strategy I will provide every Australian home with a free lawnmower if re-elected.

As part of the Sydney 2000 Olympics, the lawnmowers showed the love Australians have with their quarter acre block and its management.

Unfortunatley, because unions want local workers to recieve better than minimum wages I have had to give the contract to a Korean manufacturer.

Ssangyo Nubiryaaa Gogoggo (translated means: Giant fire toothed grass monster) will provide 1 million mowers for the contract.

Ignore the rot you read at http://www.newsonline.com.au

I am sure they are communists.

Well Mr Smarty pants John Kerry

Well that Great Debate did not mean a thing. So what, you beat my old friend Dubya in a bit of an argument. I have been winning elections in Australia with less than 44 per cent of the vote for nearly a decade.

There is no point running a competition unless you know who is going to win hey. No point at all.

So you mark my work. Dubya will win. We will just fix it.

That is how democracy works.

VOTE 1 JOHN HOWARD. Yippee

Free Trade Agreement

There is a lot of uneducated talk out there about why we needed to sign an FTA with the good old USA.

Well, things are differenet these days. Back when Brittania quite rightly ruled the waves, we would simply land on an island and buy things. We traded. We gave the natives beads, sugar, whisky, cigarettes - and they gave us their land. Just like the coloured folk in this shotTrading

But now because of the communists, the black people have become smarter. So in order to get their lands we have to either find terrorists on their shores and help invade that country, or sign onto deals with George W Bush where we can "convince" these black folk that dealing with us is in their best interests.

You see we look after the world. It is the USA and Britain that developed all the medicines to wipe out polio and malaria and AIDS.

So it is right that we take much of the land. And we bring better animals to their shores to eat.

Like someone said - we give them bees, they give us land.

My favourite book

Lots of people ask me what the Prime Minister of Australia does on his day off. Well, I tell you, it is rare for me to get a day off - no lies.

But I do like to have a good read.

I like to get my little Dick out. I like Phillip's work - this is one of my favourites.

Lying back on the summer couch, with my little dick in hand, I can dream away, get far away. I get become hardened - like is characters - or go all gooey.

Yes Dick does it for me. I like to flick my Dick. Flicking through the pages and drifting like a somber song on an evening. I must admit it - I tell you no lies. I love my Dick.

VOTE 1 - JOHN HOWARD

no lies

I've been to Paris too!

Yes I have nude shots on my blog of Paris Hilton. And yes, we did have sex.

She was all over me like a rash. Not a red rash. When I mean rash, I mean she couldn't keep her hands of me. Must be the power, or my eyebrowsParis

We met at the cricket at Lords. She was as keen of Ian Botham, the great Australian cricketer, as I was. Well keen in another way I will have you know.

Later we went dancing. This is the truth. I do not tell lies.

paris

DO NOT VISIT THIS SITE!

From my understanding the people who operate this site are communists.

Please do not go to http://www.newsonline.com.au
You are much better watching my mate Kerry's National 9 news.

Children overboard - compelling evidence

Here, in this shot you can clearly see those black people feeding their children to the sharks.

Arabs have no respect for decency. You know that by the funny way they carry their towells around their heads.

I present to you this evidence in its most compelling of all forms to prove that the children overboard issue was not a sexed up event but indicative of what happens in Muslim countries.

If you are a protestor against live sheep exports, how can you support live transportation of people. These people are guilty of throwing their children into the water.

VOTE 1 JOHN HOWARD!

Children overboard

The Greatest Defence Minister EVER!

Peter Reith will always remain in my memory as the greatest Defence Minister Australia has ever seen.

Some people complain the children overboard photos were sexed up to win the last election. Hey, when you look this good you don't need sexing up!

Peter Reith

Athens Olympics and the heavyweights

Hello everyone. I just found this picture of a Subaru calendar girl. Boy she has missed a few feeds. It is not fair to make fun of really fat people but I cannot help it.

But being a visionary I have all the answers. I figure there is an opportunity for this woman in Athens. She would definately be asset in the Australian team.

She could:

Be a diver - imagine her off the 10 metre
Be a triathlete - I reckon she tries clothes to fit everyday
Be a pole vaulter - Oh somebody stop me I am too bloody funny.

No but seriously. This is the epidemic of which I so heartly (stop it) backed. The great obestity epidemic which the Liberal Party has tried hard to stop. But the ALP with all their silly rules and things. This picture is proof of the need we had to run the sugar industry into the ground. (could have just rolled her on it - stop it John)

Obesity must be prevented because of the long term consequences it has to our nation's health and welfare. We cannot have the next generation of Australians looking like this.

So once again you see proof that the Liberal Party is proactive in thinking about the national interest. And that is why we sunk the sugar industry.

VOTE 1 JOHN HOWARD - BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T, YOUR CHILDREN WILL GROW UP FAT

FAT CHICK

Life, the universe, and everything

There have been many times my fellow Australians, when I have said that I would not wish this curse on another human being.

Being loved and admired has its down sides. Being a natural leader takes a lot of effort. Being prepared to do all for the national interest is - as much as it is my passion - time consuming and wearing on the soul.

For I know deep down inside that you all love me dearly, but I carry with me this level of doubt, that there have been times when the decisions I have made were less than wise. My good friend Peter Costello said that is virtually untrue, except for not retiring.

When I said "no GST" I meant it. I meant it. I meant there would be no GST in the foreseeable future. How could I possibly know that economic circumstances and the good result of the election would change the world in which we live. I could not know that. It is the same as saying I hate all Arabs, how could that be true, I have not met every Arab in the world!

And now I have this lagging doubt about the election of which we are on the eve. I have the doubt that not all Australians will look back at the fine level of economic resiliance we have built under my leadership, the pride of the nation as it stands in the global arena because of our stance against terrorism, and not all will remember the hard battles we won against the tyranny of unions who - like terrorists - disguise themselves as true believers.

The Liberal Party is blue. We are a blue party. Blue ribbon, top class, developed with a focus of infinite wisdom, equality, and good governance.

Look at us now, and think of the future without us. What would it be like:

Your leader